The tale of the Hair and the whore.

As you recall the Supreme Court decided that the Conservatives need sex education. Long overdue, you might add. The only problem was that nobody could agree on who should teach sex education to the Conservative caucus. We are not sure but we think it was Peter Mackay who solved it by suggesting that they would all sit quietly and listen to Laureen Harper, the leader’s wife. They would have no choice.

Laureen was, as you would expect, quite reluctant but is believed to have agreed to it on the condition that her husband does not attend. The caucus seemed to be pleased with Laureen’s instruction and many probably learned things in the process. The only problem left was a teacher for the Leader.

The Cabinet is believed to have turned to Peter Mackay and told to fix that too. That was also easy. It is reported that he got the leader a hooker. It was as though he believed that the Leader needed some first-hand experience, so to speak. You can just imagine the confrontation in that Ottawa hotel room:

The first thing that must have startled the lady was the guys in cheap suits who came in, checked the closet, under the bed and talked up their sleeves. A fair amount of money had to change hands before the gal decided to stick around.

Since she had been paid, she got right down to business, so to speak. “So, how do you want it?” was the obvious question.

The Leader was a bit nonplussed. “Can we just talk about it?” he asked.

“Damn, another Canadian,” she complained. “It’s all talk and no performance. You Canadians are so oppressed by women that you never get a chance to talk dirty.”

“No, no,” the Leader replied, “I just want to talk about being a prostitute.”

She looked at him in amazement. “You’ll never make it,” she told him. “You’re too old and that hairpiece is ridiculous. Besides, to make it as a gigolo, you would need to be 20 and able to satisfy a woman at least ten times a night.”

Somewhat taken back, he weakly explained: “I only need to know something about why you are a prostitute and how this business works?”

“Okay,” she said. “Since you’ve already paid, I’ll explain.

“First of all, I’m a service worker. I perform a service for society. You might not agree but it has panache as the world’s oldest profession. And it is a profession. I bring comfort and relief to people in need.

“The only problem is that for too long, prostitution has been run by the less desirable elements of society. Criminalizing bawdy houses or arresting customers is just another way of driving us into the hands of criminals. These people abuse us, encourage us to use drugs and put us in danger,” she said.

“You must be a politician,” she concluded. “In my business, I do my best work one customer at a time. In your business, you try to screw everybody at once.”

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Copyright 2014 © Peter Lowry

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